Chicks Dig the Long Goals

On Wednesday night, Southern Methodist University defender Ryan Rosenbaum scored a 70-yard goal against the nationally ranked Tulsa Golden Hurricane en route to a 3-1 victory. Rosenbaum took an errant Tulsa pass and cleared the ball out of his defensive end. The ball travelled the length of the fielf and bounced off the artificial turf, rocketing over keeper Andy Aguilar’s head into the back of the net.



As if that weren’t cool enough, last night, Washington Capitals defenseman Jeff Schultz scored a 175-foot bouncing goal against Atlanta Thrashers goalie Ondrej Pavelec, who then quickly let in two more goals in the next 88 seconds before finally, mercifully being pulled.



(Both Via)

Hockey Can Be Awesome, Part II

Not only are the Rangers on a six-game winning streak, but nine-year-old Oliver Wahlstrom, a winger for the Portland Junior Pirate Pee-Wee Major 97s-- and the greatest kid hockey player since Gordon Bombay-- demonstrates how to light the lamp, during the first intermission of the Bruins' recent game against the New Jersey Devils. 



Again, if the sport showcased more stuff like this, hockey would be much more popular than it is now: somewhere between reruns of American Gladiator and women's tennis.

Cheap Seats

On Saturday night, I went to the Rangers home opener against the Ottawa Senators. A friend has season tickets, which, in previous years, were located 8 rows behind the net, on the 7th Avenue side of the Garden. This year, however, he downgraded his two seats to the 400s, all the way up on the ninth floor of the Garden, where smoking is not necessarily discouraged, the roof leaks, and the nearest bathroom is one flight down, two sections over. 

This is the only place to watch a hockey game. 

The fans, most of whom sported a Rangers jersey and/or a mullet, were completely into every aspect of the game, from before the team introductions to well beyond the final buzzer. You haven’t experienced a hockey game until a zaftig woman in a Jeff Beukeboom road jersey a few rows over starts yelling about the waning efficiency of a team’s line change from period to period. She was right, too, and if the NHL had enough sense to broadcast every hockey game from the cheap seats, sports fans would flock to hockey faster than an Alex Ovechkin slap shot.

Bad and Worse, Meet Worst

I stumbled across this piece of news a few weeks ago, but it’s taken me this long to come to grips with the unholy trinity of Warren Zevon, Mitch Albom and Kevin Smith. A year before he died, Zevon, the most overrated songwriter of his generation, collaborated with Albom on the song, “Hit Somebody,” about a Canadian farm boy who grows up to be an enforcer for a professional hockey team. Albom, a lifelong hockey fan and master of smaltz, penned the lyrics, while Zevon composed the music. I'm sorry, but you have to hear it for yourself.  



As if this weren’t bad enough, Kevin Smith, arguably the worst filmmaker of his generation, is currently in talks with Albom to produce a movie based on the five-minutes-and-thirty-three-second-too-long tune. Theoretically, a movie about a 1970s Canadian hockey goon could be a lot of fun, but this ain’t no "Slapshot." Smith said he envisions the film as being more dramatic in nature, and possibly entering into awards season chatter down the road.

“I never once thought about winning awards or anything, but that movie I think can do it,” Smith said. “If I play my cards right and we get the right people in it, it could be an award-type movie. This the one I really want to do in a big, bad way.”

I've been racking my brains about a worst collaboration. A Tyler Perry-Jason Whitlock-Darius Rucker joint would probably beat this one out. But only barely. 

Bruins Rules

You don't need to be a fan of hockey to enjoy the following commercials for the Boston Bruins. They're the best thing to come out of Boston since Kevin Garnett's injury report.

Badasses on Skates

There’s an old sports adage that referees should be invisible. Refs are only noticed when they either blow a call or, in the case of National Hockey League, get crushed, like a mosquito, between two opposing players, near the blue line.

From this morning’s New York Times profile of hockey’s unheralded corps of linesmen, comes this horrifying anecdote about veteran linesman Pat Dapuzzo, who took a skate to the face during a Rangers/Flyers game earlier this month, essentially wrecking the lower part of his face and ending his career.

On Feb. 9, 2008, in a game between the Rangers and the Flyers in Philadelphia, the veteran linesman Pat Dapuzzo was pinned between two players at the blue line. Dapuzzo had jumped to avoid a collision between Philadelphia forward Steve Downie and Rangers defenseman Fedor Tyutin. But Tyutin upended Downie, whose skate blade slammed into Dapuzzo’s face, slashing it open.

Dapuzzo, 50, who lives in Rutherford, N.J., had planned to retire after the 2008-9 season, but the Flyers-Rangers game turned out to be his last. He sustained broken facial bones and severed nerves, and most of his teeth were knocked out. 

If you're into this sort of thing, you can watch Dapuzzo's accident here. What's amazing is Dapuzzo gets up and tries to break up a fight about 15 seconds after severing some nerves, breaking a number (as in more than one) of bones in his face and getting his teeth knocked out.

That's tough, man, stevedore tough.  “There are highs and lows,” Dapuzzo deadpanned, while presumably supping whiskey from a hollowed-out rebarb straw. “I must have really gotten smoked with that kick in the face.”

A lot of readers have requested I post more about hockey (Ed. Note: I'm lying). So, in recognition of Dapuzzo's badassery, here's a bonus clip of badass-in-arms Alexander Ovechkin's ridiculous goal against the Montreal Canadians.