Line of the Night

22 points. 8 assists. 4 rebounds. 3 steals. Kobe Bryant.

My Birthday Party Was Way Better Than Joakim Noah's, Just Like My J

It's not often I outperform professional athletes, in any arena. Fine. I've never one-upped a professional athlete, until last night, when Bulls forward Joakim Noah celebrated his 24th birthday with a small group of friends and family. In section 114 of the Izod Center. In East Rutherford, New Jersey. 

Joakim Noah's posse settled for watching him sit on the bench during the crucial stretch of a loss to a mediocre team. After hearing from Coach Del Negro, and getting changed, Noah and family gathered for a quiet ten minutes of present opening in section 114 of the nearly deserted Izod Center.

As the stadium crews mopped up the spilled popcorn and sticky soda spills, Noah, his parents, some friends and other relatives, including a flock of siblings right down to toddler age, handed around gift bags.

I don't mean to brag, but my party, which I hosted earlier this month, was a lot more fun, for the following reasons: 1.) I celebrated here; 2.) it was better attended; 3.) and absent of arena janitors sweeping up spilled popcorn.  

But surely Noah, the offspring of a former tennis champion and a former Miss Sweeden, received better gifts. Not so fast. 

Noah got this:

 

I got this:
Hells yeah.

Seriously, it's not even close. If this were my old CYO league, the refs would have called this game 150 words ago. In fairness to Noah, though, as Henry Abbot points out in his piece, sometimes it sucks being a professional athlete, mainly because of an impossibly demanding schedule and a total lack of personal time. Bloggers, on the other hand, always have time for a drink, like a rock star or a member of the local VFW.  In your face, Joakim. 

Line of the Night

39 points. 9 assists. 5 rebounds. Tony Parker.

Starburst

When Knicks President of Basketball Operations Isiah Thomas acquired Stephon Marbury from the Phoenix Suns in January 2004, Marbury was heralded as the man who would once again make the Knicks relevant. Marbury, a basketball prodigy from Coney Island, returned home to great fanfare and irrationally high expectations. A backcourt of Marbury and shooting guard Allan Houston, Knicks fans were led to believe, was supposed to make the Knicks a perennial playoff threat, and perhaps, with a few minor additions, a championship-caliber team. Houston got hurt, and Marbury, with Thomas's full support, quickly became the face of a shockingly dysfunctional franchise.

In his first season in New York, Marbury led a mediocre team to the playoffs, where they were summarily dismantled in four games by Jason Kidd and the Nets, the eventual Eastern Conference champions. Things got progressively worse from there, to say the least. Amazingly, that 2004's first-round exit was, in retrospect, Marbury’s brightest moment as a Knick. In subsequent seasons, Marbury led the Knicks to 33, 23, 33 and 23 victories, respectively, and seemingly did his best to embarrass and hijack the franchise, alienating teammates, executives and, eventually, fans with a number of high-profile off-the-court incidents, including his role in the sexual harassment case against Isiah Thomas and Madison Square Garden, the subsidiary of Cablevision that owns the Knicks.

After Donnie Walsh named Mike D’Antoni head coach, D’Antoni, who dealt with Marbury—and his massive ego—in Phoenix, decided the team was better off without him and banished Marbury to the bench. Marbury’s days as a Knick were obviously numbered. It was only a matter of time until he was traded or released.

Yesterday’s buyout, then, should come as no surprise to anyone who’s followed the NBA this year. Marbury’s been finished with the Knicks for months. The buyout just made it official.

I have nothing bad—or good—to say about Marbury. My venom is reserved for Thomas, who, in my mind, is most responsible for running the organization into the ground. Marbury just rode shotgun. Although I’m relieved Marbury's no longer on the team, I’m not going to get worked up about his buyout one way or the other. He’s gone, just like Moochie Norris and Steve Francis before him. Let’s just leave it at that.

Line of the Night

31 points. 16 assists. 7 rebounds. Dwayne Wade. 

Yankees Skipper Hopes Players' Misspent Youths, PEDs Will Carry Team to the World Series

The talk of Spring Training yesterday was how Yankees skipper Joe Girardi, a longtime enemy of fun and whimsy, cancelled practice and took the team to Peabody's, downtown Tampa's finest strip club (Ed. Note: pool hall) to shoot some 8-ball. Girardi said the outing was planned to help bring the team together, and to give the guys a little break from the daily grind of baseball-related matters.  "There's a lot of other sports that do these types of things," said Giradi, who spilt the team into pairs for two separate two-on-two tournaments. "We can get away from the park and enjoy each other off the field and get to know each other."

Girardi's publicity stunt seemed to have worked, too. At least until the team has to face opposing pitchers. Gushed Johnny Damon: "Today is one of those days that, as a ballplayer, you'll never forget." 

Newly minted Mark Teixeira agreed with the hyperbolic Damon. “That was probably the most fun I’ve ever had in spring training in my whole career." Unfortunately, Tex's enthusiasm lasted until he was paired with Alex Rodriguez, who lived up to his ever-sinking reputation by failing to get out of the first round. Once Tex got rid of A-Rod, however, he advanced to the round of 16 with partner Robinson Cano. 

Mariano Rivera won both tournaments-- first with Phil Coke, and, later, with Andy Pettitte. In addition to demonstrating his keen cue-handling abilities, Rivera also showed off his casual, Obama-inspired outfit.  

Girardi, who admitted he wasn't as approachable or even as likable as the unflappable Joe Torre, took a page from Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin, another notorious hardass who traded in his red-faced intensity for a sunny-side-up demeanor, an attitude adjustment a number of Giants later credited for helping the team win the Super Bowl. That and the emergence of Justin Tuck. 

While I'm all for team-building exercises, I wouldn't put too much stock in yesterday's pool outing. The baseball season is long and grueling. No matter how many field trips the Yankees schedule between now and October, it won't make a lick of difference if the starting rotation fails to deliver, or A-Rod once again withers under the intense media spotlight. 

Line of the Night

41 points. 8 rebounds. 3 assists. 2 steals. Nate Robinson. 

The Last Thing You'll See Before You Die

More fun with photos here. 

Line of the Night

32 points. 10 assists. 6 rebounds. 3 steals. Rajon Rondo.   

Line of the Night

35 points. 11 rebounds. 10 assists. 3 blocks. 2 steals. Greivis Vasquez. 

Line of the Night

55 points. 9 assists. 5 rebounds. LeBron James, king of the fadeaway three-pointer. 

Badasses on Skates

There’s an old sports adage that referees should be invisible. Refs are only noticed when they either blow a call or, in the case of National Hockey League, get crushed, like a mosquito, between two opposing players, near the blue line.

From this morning’s New York Times profile of hockey’s unheralded corps of linesmen, comes this horrifying anecdote about veteran linesman Pat Dapuzzo, who took a skate to the face during a Rangers/Flyers game earlier this month, essentially wrecking the lower part of his face and ending his career.

On Feb. 9, 2008, in a game between the Rangers and the Flyers in Philadelphia, the veteran linesman Pat Dapuzzo was pinned between two players at the blue line. Dapuzzo had jumped to avoid a collision between Philadelphia forward Steve Downie and Rangers defenseman Fedor Tyutin. But Tyutin upended Downie, whose skate blade slammed into Dapuzzo’s face, slashing it open.

Dapuzzo, 50, who lives in Rutherford, N.J., had planned to retire after the 2008-9 season, but the Flyers-Rangers game turned out to be his last. He sustained broken facial bones and severed nerves, and most of his teeth were knocked out. 

If you're into this sort of thing, you can watch Dapuzzo's accident here. What's amazing is Dapuzzo gets up and tries to break up a fight about 15 seconds after severing some nerves, breaking a number (as in more than one) of bones in his face and getting his teeth knocked out.

That's tough, man, stevedore tough.  “There are highs and lows,” Dapuzzo deadpanned, while presumably supping whiskey from a hollowed-out rebarb straw. “I must have really gotten smoked with that kick in the face.”

A lot of readers have requested I post more about hockey (Ed. Note: I'm lying). So, in recognition of Dapuzzo's badassery, here's a bonus clip of badass-in-arms Alexander Ovechkin's ridiculous goal against the Montreal Canadians. 

Nate, Late Night

Nate Robinson appeared on the "The Late Show with David Letterman" last night, dunking over Biff Henderson, Letterman's stage manager. If I were Nate, I'd be a bit wary about turning into a circus act, but I have to give it to him: he's a natural showman and really does seem to thrive in the limelight. Since Nate seems intent on always being on, I can at least find some comfort in the fact that he didn't hurt himself and, in the three or four minutes he bantered with Letterman, came off better than, say, a contestant in Letterman's "Stupid Human Tricks" segment, and, thank God, Joaquin Phoenix.

Line of the Night

18 points. 18 rebounds. 3 blocks. Tim Duncan. 

Basketball Operations 101

Donnie Walsh, the greatest New York City hero since this guy, did exactly what basketball general managers are supposed to do when swapping players: make the team better right away without screwing up the organization's long-term goals. 

Leading up to this afternoon's NBA trade deadline, the Knicks, just three games out of the playoffs, were in desperate need of another scoring guard and a defensive presence at center. In rapid succession, Walsh addressed both deficiencies. He first jettisoned the expendable talents-- and contracts-- of Tim Thomas, Jerome "Big Snacks" James and Anthony Roberson to Chicago for Larry Hughes, a proficient scorer who talked his way out of Chicago and, before that, Cleveland, but could very well revitalize his career under Mike D'Antoni's run-and-gun system.  

Walsh then sent seldom-used Malik Rose--and his expiring contract, a valuable commodity in this economy--and some cash to Oklahoma City for Chris Wilcox, a 6-10 center/power forward who can bang down low with the big boys and put up some points in the paint, to boot. (Wilcox was previously part of the trade that would have brought Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City if Chandler hadn't failed his physical; the trade fell apart yesterday afternoon).  

Like Rose, Wilcox will be a free agent at the end of the season, while Hughes is on the books through next year. Neither contract interferes with Walsh's master plan of going after LeBron James and the other big-name unrestricted free agents, like Chris Bosh or Dwyane Wade, among others, in 2010.  

In the meantime, the Knicks are poised, for the first time since 2004, to make a serious run at the final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. Admittedly, bringing in Hughes is risky, to say the least, but I do think he's going to thrive under D'Antoni and playing off Chris Duhon. Even Bethlehem Shoals is intrigued. Hughes is also a pretty good on-the-ball defender, which should help keep opposing guards from driving unmolested into the paint. If they get by him, at least we now have a player in Wilcox who can do something about it. 

 

And with Thomas gone, D'Antoni can now give more burn to Danilo Gallinari, who has impressed in spots this season, and let David Lee play more minutes at power forward instead of playing out of position at center. Further, by getting rid of Thomas, James and Roberson, Walsh opened up two roster spots, which means he could theoretically bring in two more players, like the recently released Quincy Douby and Patrick Ewing, Jr., which would make at least this fan happy. 

Another good day at the office, I'd say, for Donnie Walsh, the man who will be forever remembered around these parts for ridding the Knickerbockers of Stephon Marbury, Zach Randolph, Jamal Crawford and Jerome James in the same season, delousing the Garden once and for all of the stench Isiah left in his wake.  

Line of the Night

36 points. 10 assists. 6 rebounds. 3 steals. 1 block. Chris Paul. 

Party Crashers

Further to my previous post about the potential renaissance of NBA's Slam Dunk Contest, I'd like to nominate both James "Flight" White and Keith "With Hops This Good, I Should Have a Nickname" Clark, both of the National Basketball Association's Development League, as participants in next year's contest against defending champion Nate Robinson and early favorite LeBron James. 

This is exactly the kind of athleticism that keeps the annual dunk contest relevant; it would be a crime against the league if it were to remain unnoticed.  

Keith Clark's third attempt, a 50. 

James White's answer, his second consecutive 50. 

Good lord. You can check out more of White's and Clark's incredible dunks here. Seriously, they're worth the look. Enjoy. 

(Via TrueHoop)

Read Between the Lines

While the New York sports media continues to overplay its hand, Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman offered four telling quotes about his $275 million tool of a third baseman, which pretty much sum up the entire A-Rod situation. And, once you break down what Cashman actually said and figure out what he really means, you get a pretty reliable primer on how the Yankees plan on dealing with Rodriguez throughout the duration of his impossibly long contract. 

You can also tell that the normally calm and collected Cashman, if given the chance, would beat A-Rod like a rented mule.    

“Those are the facts [Alex] gave you, it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I like the fact more that he was stupid rather than young or naïve. It was a bad decision that may cost him on so many levels.”

Cashman doesn't buy Alex's bullshit story either, but that's besides the point. A-Rod's reputation is in tatters, because he got cocky and stupidly pissed away his Hall of Fame career; he has to live with the repercussions of his decision for the rest of his life. Who cares about the details?

“We’ve invested in him as an asset. And because of that, this is an asset that is going through a crisis. So we’ll do everything we can to protect that asset and support that asset and try to salvage that asset.”

Cashman and the entire Yankees organization are stuck with A-Rod through the 2017 season, and by god, they are going to wring every penny out of their $275 million investment, even if Cashman himself has to make A-Rod sing "Cotton-Eyed Joe" before the 8th inning at the new stadium. 

"I don't think Alex is very good at communicating. Whether it's about talking about your game and the impact you had on it after hitting a home run or if he had a tough game at the park, let the team down....Anybody that's been in that clubhouse when he's trying to talk about success or failure on the baseball diamond knows that is something he is not very good at."

Cashman thinks Travis the Killer Chimp is better at expressing his feelings than the emotionally crippled A-Rod. 

"I think there's genuine, sincere support for him [in the clubhouse], and I'm sure at the same time, from a professional side, it's, 'I need this guy.' I'm sure there were all aspects of that."

If Eric Duncan could hit 40 home runs a season, the organization--from Hank and Hal at the top, to Humberto Sanchez and Wilkin De La Rose at the bottom of the 40-man roster-- wouldn't even piss on A-Rod if he were on fire, but he's still the team's best player and they probably need him to win a World Series.  So, yeah, Cashman and company totally have A-Rod's back. 

Line of the Night

45 points. 19 rebounds. 8 blocks. 1 steal. Dwight Howard.

Line of the Night

23 rebounds. 22 points. 2 assists. 1 block. DeJuan Blair. 

Color Me Impressed

Over the years, I've lost interest in the National Basketball Association's annual Slam Dunk Contest. Mostly because it's devolved into a series of sophomoric stunts, like Gerald Green's Cupcake Dunk or Dwight Howard's Sticker Dunk. Time was, the event was strictly about athleticism, like Michael Jordan taking off from behind the free throw line, or Dominique Wilkins' power windmills. Instead of coming up with more creative and more impressive displays of athleticism, twenty years down the line, the NBA's highest fliers are, for the most part, embarrassingly only concerned with kitsch, confection and capes. As a result, the contest has become, well, dull. 

Which is why Nate Robinson's final so-called "Kryptonite Dunk" over Dwight Howard last night is noteworthy and should excite fans of the long-forgotten art of dunking. Although it's been done before--even Nate's done it a few times-- five-foot-nothing Nate clearing the 6-11 Howard is an amazing athletic feat that at once followed in the spirit of the competition and, in the process, took it to new heights of athleticism and showmanship. Just as Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter and even Jason Richardson did before him, and after Julius Irving, Jordan and 'Nique. Add to that the news that LeBron will most likely participate in next year's contest (will he dunk on a 12-foot rim?) and we might be heading into a new and improved era of dunking.   

Kurt Warner Likes God, Drawing and His Purple Striped Shirt

I knew Kurt Warner liked to draw anthropomorphic caricatures of God, but I had no idea he could also bust a move. Here he is strutting his stuff on yesterday's episode of Ellen.

I have to give it to him: Ol' Man River can dance. Seriously, he has to be the best dancer at his church's tent revivals, or whatever else he and his wife, Brenda, get up to out in the Arizona desert. But something's just not right. What could it be? Oh, yeah. He's wearing the same shirt he sported during his big etch-a-sketch rendezvous with the Almighty. 

This is almost as embarrassing as the James Harrison interception. 

Seriously, Kurt, wearing the same outfit might have been okay back when you were stocking shelves in Cedar Rapids, but this is Ellen, the coolest network-sanctioned lesbian allowed on morning TV. You need to wear a different shirt. 

It's precisely times like this, Kurt (and only times like this), when you just have to ask yourself, WWLD? What Would Leinart Do?

Line of the Night

19 points. 15 rebounds. 14 assists. 1 steal. Rajon Rondo. 

Line of the Night

44 points. 7 assists. 3 steals. 2 rebounds. 1 steal. Mo Williams, nominal All-Star.

There Are No Small Parts. Only Future Bigheaded, Sweaty Baseball Players

While trying to figure out which current members of the Boston Red Sox have taken performance-enhancing drugs, I stumbled across this interesting piece of Wiki-trivia about Kevin "The Greek God of Walks" Youkilis (Ed. Note: he's actually of Romanian and Jewish descent).

As a 14-year-old, little Youk had a cameo in the Melanie Griffin and Ed Harris romantic comedy Milk Money, which was filmed in Youkilis's hometown of Cincinnati, where he presumably dreamed of making it big with fellow Cincinnattian Nick Lachey.   

For your viewing pleasure, I offer you Kevin Youkilis's theatrical debut.

The borderline pubescent Youkilis isn't as ugly or sweaty as he is today, but that face most definitely belongs to the man who last year, seemingly out of nowhere, crushed 29 home runs--or almost twice as many as his previous career high and one less than he hit throughout his entire five-year minor league career, when he was developing his batting eye. 

Line of the Night

27 points. 9 rebounds. 8 assists. 4 blocks. Tim Duncan.

Winners and A-Rod

Now that Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003, we can get down to what really matters. Who are the winners and who are the losers of this debacle? Fortunately, dear reader, I've been keeping score, and I've gone ahead and split the winning and losing teams into two camps. The winners, captained by Selena Roberts, are called, of course, Team Roberts; while the losers, anchored, as always, by Alex Emmanuel Rodriguez III, are known simply as Team A-Rod.

Team Roberts:

Selena Roberts

Not only was she right, she's also poised to sell a ton of books. What other dirt has she dug up on A-Rod, whose ridiculous stalker claim makes Roberts simultaneously even more sympathetic and twice as likely to have all the goods on baseball’s former golden boy? I'm guessing she's uncovered one or two more interesting things in the course of her thorough investigation. In fact, she might as well turn A-Rod’s remarks against her into an advance blurb for the galley. “[Selena Roberts] has been thrown out of my apartment in New York City… thrown out of the University of Miami by police for trespassing. And she tried to break into my house, and got cited by the Miami Beach police. Roberts stalked me, and is coming out with all these [stories] about me, and really respectable journalists are following her lead.” —Alex Rodriguez, three-time American League Most Valuable Player and admitted steroid abuser.

Cynthia Rodriguez

This lucky lady got out just in the nick of time. A-Rod’s personal nightmare won’t get in the way of her cashing all those alimony checks, and she doesn’t even have to piece together the remnants of his shattered psyche. He’s your problem now, Madge.

Scott Boras

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Boras has figured out the secrets of turning metal into gold. Sure the reputation of his biggest client is probably ruined for life, but Boras is still getting paid, and now has A-Rod-- who famously “ditched” his agent before resigning with the Yankees in 2007-- and his high-priced balls back in the palm of his hand. And the Avenging Agent is ready to start squeezing.

The New York Yankees

They’ve gotten the annual steroid admission down cold. Step 1: Offer up a vague admission. Step 2: Apologize and express an appropriate amount of remorse. Step 3: Report to camp. Step 4: Repeat as necessary. 

Derek Jeter

The more A-Rod acts like A-Rod, the better Jeter looks.

Joe Torre

Like Cynthia Rodriguez, Torre got out at just the right time. He didn’t have to deal with either the Andy Pettitte or the A-Rod steroid controversies, and he's currently kicking back waiting for The Yankees Years royalty checks to start rolling in. His “A-Fraud” comment is now even more prescient.

Scott Brosius

The former Yankees third baseman’s career .257 batting average and 141 home runs is looking pretty good right about now.

Jose Canseco

In 20 years, Canseco, like it not, is going to be thought of as the Upton Sinclair of professional baseball.

Barry Bonds

Not only is he about to get off scot-free from federal perjury charges, but the only man who was even in a position to break his controversial home run record is now also tainted by scandal. Misery loves company.  

Barack Obama

The Commander-in-Chief scores some easy points with baseball fans and Yankees haters (most of the country) by coming down hard on A-Rod and the Major League Baseball Players Association. Who would have ever thought the Washington Post would ask him an easier question than NBC’s Chuck Todd?

Michael Phelps

Who smoked what?

Ben Roethlisberger

With A-Rod running interference downfield, nobody seems to have noticed that Big Ben basically lied about playing the Super Bowl with fractured ribs. 

Team A-Rod:

A-Rod

He’s still screwed, and probably won’t bat his weight through the first two months of the season. If he thought the New York media and baseball fans were tough on him before, just wait until Spring Training—or his first trip to Fenway. He’s in for an impossibly rough 2009. 

Peter Gammons

His softball questions to A-Rod made Nancy O’Dell look like Seymour Hersh. 

The New York Yankees

They’re stuck with this tool through 2017. Yankees brass should have let A-Rod go when he opted out of his contract in 2007.

Kabballah

The faces of your religion are Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, David and Victoria Beckham, Roseanne Barr and now A-Rod. Kabbalists might want to rethink their next marketing strategy, or take a cue from the Catholic church’s recent “Indulge Yourself in Indulgences” campaign. 

Madonna

Madge’s little tryst with A-Rod is turning out to be a bigger production than the European leg of her current Sticky & Sweet tour.

Spray-on Tans

Before the most important interview of his life, A-Rod decided to go for the killer tomato look. He should stick with tanning shirtless in Central Park, just as God intended. 

The University of Miami

The same week A-Rod is busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs, The U decides to christen their new stadium Alex Rodriguez Park. Their timing couldn’t have been worse if they had decided to name their new dance studio the Chris Brown Theater.

Donald Fehr and Gene Orza

Are there two more loathsome people in all of professional sports today? Marvin Miller still can’t get into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but these two continue to run the Major League Baseball Players Association into the ground.

The 103 Other Players on “A-Rod's List” 

It’s only a matter of time until all of their names are released to the public. Start hocking all of the sports memorabilia you can get your swollen, disjointed hands on before it’s too late, gentlemen.

Line of the Night

22 points. 7 rebounds. 1 assist. 1 steal. DeMarre Carroll. 

Let's Go to the Videotape

Yup. It's official. As if the box score weren't proof enough, this cool remix of the second half of last night Knicks/Blazers game confirms the Knicks blew what would have been a fantastic come-from-behind road win. It also makes the Knicks's late attack and the Blazers's final counterattack seem like an epic battle between two NBA heavyweights--and not the 24 minutes of bad defense I remember watching. 

(Via TrueHoop)

Cut A-Rod?

Bill Madden seems to think so. I don't know. That's a lot of money, even for the Yankees. And then what? Slide Robinson Cano to third and take your chances with Cody Ransom or Doug Bernier as your everyday second baseman? Or sign Orlando Hudson to play second? Neither scenario, I'm afraid, is very likely. Let's face it: the Yankees are most likely stuck with this creep through 2017, like it or not. 

For about an hour yesterday afternoon, I started wondering if this controversy could actually help Rodriguez in the long run. I know it's crazy, but Rodriquez, as we all know, has always tried just a little too hard--from his frosted tips, to his exposed socks--to be the best. Maybe, I allowed myself to think, as of Sunday morning, with his worst nightmares finally realized, his fraudulence and perfidy finally brought to light, that maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to show up at the ballpark 162 times a year and just play baseball, just as he did as a 16-year-old, without the burden of being A-Rod, the greatest player of his generation, if not in the history of the game. Maybe, with everything he ever worked for now spiraling helplessly down the toilet, he could concentrate instead on grinding it out, hitting to the opposite field, moving runners over. In short, letting his natural talents take over. No longer having to worry about being A-Rod, he wouldn't have to try to smack the ball 425 feet over the fence every time he stepped to the plate. With nothing left to lose, he would come into his own as a ballplayer and, finally, find some solace playing the game he's always loved. 

But then I remembered Alex has the emotional makeup of a 14-year-old anorexic girl. There's no way he's going to come out of this unscathed.    

The more I think about Madden's suggestion, the more I like it. Or the Yankees could choose to go a different route this Spring Training. 

UPDATE: Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs. He also apologized. He's also still a giant tool, and a member of the Yankees through Obama's second term. Pitchers and catchers can't report to Spring Training fast enough. 

Line of the Night

39 points. 7 rebounds. 4 assists. 2 blocks. Kevin Durant. 

Line of the Night

44 points. 9 rebounds. 3 blocks. 2 steals. 1 assist. Dirk Nowitzki.

The Needle and the Damage Done

According to a report in Sports Illustrated, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two different types of anabolic steroids-- Primobolan and testosterone-- in 2003, the year he won the American League Most Valuable Player award, and his final season with the Texas Rangers. 

This is bad. Real bad, and it goes a long way of explaining A-Rod's cryptic statement last year that he was "tested nine or 10 times" during the 2007 season, which would mean, as reporters speculated at the time, that he had failed a previous test. Rodriguez, under advisement, later claimed he was exaggerating, probably to protect his image and/or legacy, because in 2003 Major League Baseball didn't penalize players who tested positive. (It is unclear from the article if A-Rod has since tested positive a second time, but Roberts and Epstein point out that Rodriguez was allegedly tipped off about an upcoming test by Gene Orza, the chief operating officer of the players' union in 2004, when Rodriguez was playing third base for the Yankees).  

Rodriguez was one of about 1,200 players tested as part of a sealed MLB internal survey to figure out if (irony alert!) testing was even worth the effort, according to SI reporters Selena Roberts and David Epstein, who write:   

The results of that year's survey testing of 1,198 players were meant to be anonymous under the agreement between the commissioner's office and the players association. Rodriguez's testing information was found, however, after federal agents, armed with search warrants, seized the '03 test results from Comprehensive Drug Testing, Inc., of Long Beach, Calif., one of two labs used by MLB in connection with that year's survey testing. The seizure took place in April 2004 as part of the government's investigation into 10 major league players linked to the BALCO scandal -- though Rodriguez himself has never been connected to BALCO.

Rodriguez is signed with the Yankees through 2017, during which time he is widely expected to pass Barry Bonds, also linked to steroids and various performance-enhancing drugs, for the all-time home run total, which means this story ain't going anywhere anytime soon. For years, fans, reporters and players have speculated about A-Rod juicing, but this morning's article is, as far as I know, the first corroborated report of the so-called greatest baseball player of his generation cheating. I think it's pretty safe to assume, then, that chants of "A-Fraud" will echo throughout major league ballparks this season, including the new one in the Bronx.

Line of the Night

35 points. 12 rebounds. 3 assists. 1 steal. Zach Randolph.

Odds & Sods

The NBA decides that LeBron is one rebound less than awesome, and Mo Williams should probably just leave his game at home during the All-Star weekend. The Minnesota Twins hire their first groundskeeper in 20 years, while the Red Sox send moving vans to Fenway, as part of its annual Truck Day. Ray Lewis can set his sights on Florham Park, but Matt Cassel should probably hold off packing his bags, at least for now.

Line of the Night

34 points. 12 assists. 5 rebounds. 1 steal. Deron Williams.

As Kingfishers Catch Fire

I used to think I had this game figured out. But LeBron has gone and muddled my idea of what a basketball player is supposed to do. Even now, 19 hours later, I’m still not in a position to process fully the significance of last night’s performance. Honestly, at this point, any cogent articulation of LeBron’s signature game, at least on my end, could very well take years, even decades, to spit out. You would think Kobe’s 61 points would have prepared me, but the King’s immediate answer has left me at a complete loss. All I can say is, while Kobe’s offensive output brings to mind, as I replay it in my head, the cold, beautiful efficiency of the Baltimore Catechism, LeBron’s 52-point triple-double—the first in 25 years!—makes me think of the weighty grandeur of a Gerard Manley Hopkins poem.

Or this scene from Vision Quest.



Either is appropriate. Really.

I guess what I’m fumbling at is the idea that Kobe’s game made me stand up and take notice-- even if his 61 points came at the expense of my Knickerbockers—but LeBron’s magnificent game against the Knicks, 48 hours later, made me rethink my prefabricated notion of what it means to believe in the King and the National Basketball Association.

Kids Today

Before yesterday afternoon, I had never heard of Dre Kirkpatrick, the consensus number one high school defensive back in the country. Which shouldn't bother Kirkpatrick one bit, because, well, let's just say the kid's got a healthy sense of self-worth. 

To wit: at his press conference yesterday to announce his decision to play for Nick Saban's Alabama Crimson Tide, Kirkpatrick exhibited the biggest ego this side of Terrell Owens's abs. Instead of simply picking up the Alabama hat conveniently laid out in front of him, Kirkpatrick turned the already overblown production into an out-and-out spectacle. You kind of have to see it to believe it:



My favorite part is when he dismissively tells the girl to open the bag, as if his silky smooth hands were too precious a commodity to go messing around with the plastic teeth of a three-dollar zipper. Who does this kid think he is, Prince?

Kirkpatrick's sleepy-eyed hubris is almost as bad as when quarterback Jimmy Clausen, another blue chip high school recruit, announced his intention to attend Notre Dame, at the College Football Hall of Fame, after arriving in a stretch Hummer limousine, rocking a white fur coat.

Line of the Night

52 points. 11 assists. 10 rebounds. 2 blocks. LeBron James. 

Wardrobe Malfunctions

Pitchers and catchers don't report for another 10 days, the Knicks are in the middle of brutal stretch of games and I am so hungover my fingernails hurt. (Damn you, Adam Graves). What better way, then, to kill some time on a gray February afternoon than by making fun of some truly heinous-looking uniforms from back in the day? Like this timeless orange, yellow and black Vancouver Canucks ensemble from the early 1980s. 

The uniform brings to mind William H. Macy's brilliant line from State and Main: "It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes."

As much as these garbage bag-inspired eyesores must have infuriated the hockey players who had to don them 41 nights a year, members of the Colorado Caribous of the defunct North American Soccer League would have grabbed them off the rack in a second, in favor of this monstrosity of fringe.


I'm pretty sure this is the look Buffalo Bill was going for in Silence of the Lambs.

And then there's this technicolor turnout, which in addition to the Nuggets play, probably induced its fair share of Gran Mal seizures throughout the Denver area during the first half of the Reagan Administration.  


Thing looks like a costume from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Broadway production of The White Shadow.

(Via New York's Daily News).

Line of the Night

33 points. 7 rebounds. 4 assists. 2 blocks. 1 steal. LeBron James. 

61

Let's put Kobe's 61-point game into perspective. Normally, in a situation like this, fans might point out that the opposing team (re: my Knickerbockers) should have defended Kobe a little more aggressively. While I will agree that Mike D'Antoni could have thrown a few more double-teams Kobe's way, there was simply no way of stopping him last night: Kobe was on a mission from God. 

Speaketh Kobe:

Coming up the elevator, I was thinking about all the great players who had played here. I was thinking about Willis Reed and Jerry West and all of the great rivalries they had. It makes it very special.

Al Harrington, who took a few turns trying to guard Kobe last night, had this to say about Kobe's mindset before the opening tip:

Usually I go up to him and he has something funny to say, but he was all business tonight. I knew we were going to be in for a long one.

You can say that again. Kobe shot an incredible 19-for-31 (61 percent) from the field and a perfect 20-for-20 from the free-throw line. Only three other players in the last two decades have hit 20 or more consecutive free throws in one game-- Rip Hamilton (20/20), Amar'e Stoudemire (20/20) and Dominique Wilkins (23/23). Amazing. Kobe's cold-blooded efficiency was not to be denied.  At one point in the first half, D'Antoni told his shell-shocked team that Kobe should come back down to earth at some point in the night, but "if he keeps hitting these shots, we'll just have to go home." Really, what else can you do? 

After the game, D'Antoni elaborated on his defensive strategy: 

We didn’t really want to double all the time, because he will find other guys. We tried to do the rope-a-dope a little bit, where he might have shot himself out, but he didn’t.

Again, I'm not blaming D'Antoni or poor Wilson Chandler, who had the misfortune of guarding Kobe most of the night. Kobe hit everything, even tightly contested shots, as evidenced in the picture above. It's not like Kobe doesn't have a 60-point game in him. Last night was Kobe's 17th time scoring at least 50 points, and his fifth with at least 60. Jesus. Mary. And Joseph. 

Kobe's 61-point ridiculousness was the most points ever scored in a game at the Garden, besting Jamal Crawford's 52, Michael Jordan's 55, Richie Guerin's 57 and, ultimately, Bernard King's 60, the previous Garden record. (King also once scored 52 points and, later, 55 points at the Garden).

Great players, by definition, do great things. Kobe just happened to save his greatest game of the year for his only visit to the Garden-- and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could have done to stop him. 

UPDATE: NBAMate has a recap of all of Kobe's 24 regular season outbursts of 50 points or more. Check it out.  

Line of the Night

61 points. 3 assists. 1 block. Kobe Bryant. 

If He's the Boss, I Quit

This pains me to admit this, but Springsteen was incredibly lame last night. I was with him at the start, despite the contrived recreation of his iconic "Born to Run" album cover; "Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out" was a great choice as an opener. I was with him, too, after the chicken fingers and guacamole comment. I stuck with him after his sliding crotch shot. And, of course, during his solid performance of "Born to Run." Not so much for the rest of the set, which featured an abbreviated version of his new single, "Working on a Dream," and an even hokier version of the hokey "Glory Days"-- complete with altered lyrics about football and Hail Mary passes. Then there was the flag-throwing referee, which was about as cool as a middle-age man hitting on a teenage girl. Or about as cool as a middle-age man calling out, "I'm going to Disneyland."

I'm afraid we've stumbled into a terrible new era of Springsteen: "Vegas Bruce."

Line of the Night

135 yards. 9 receptions. 1 touchdown. Santonio Holmes. 

A Super Bowl Haiku

Roman numerals:

An entertaining game but   

Pittsburgh pulls it out 

Steelers 34 Cardinal 28

Line of the Night

15 points. 11 rebounds. 10 blocks. 1 steal. Hasheem Thabeet.