Winners and A-Rod

Now that Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003, we can get down to what really matters. Who are the winners and who are the losers of this debacle? Fortunately, dear reader, I've been keeping score, and I've gone ahead and split the winning and losing teams into two camps. The winners, captained by Selena Roberts, are called, of course, Team Roberts; while the losers, anchored, as always, by Alex Emmanuel Rodriguez III, are known simply as Team A-Rod.

Team Roberts:

Selena Roberts

Not only was she right, she's also poised to sell a ton of books. What other dirt has she dug up on A-Rod, whose ridiculous stalker claim makes Roberts simultaneously even more sympathetic and twice as likely to have all the goods on baseball’s former golden boy? I'm guessing she's uncovered one or two more interesting things in the course of her thorough investigation. In fact, she might as well turn A-Rod’s remarks against her into an advance blurb for the galley. “[Selena Roberts] has been thrown out of my apartment in New York City… thrown out of the University of Miami by police for trespassing. And she tried to break into my house, and got cited by the Miami Beach police. Roberts stalked me, and is coming out with all these [stories] about me, and really respectable journalists are following her lead.” —Alex Rodriguez, three-time American League Most Valuable Player and admitted steroid abuser.

Cynthia Rodriguez

This lucky lady got out just in the nick of time. A-Rod’s personal nightmare won’t get in the way of her cashing all those alimony checks, and she doesn’t even have to piece together the remnants of his shattered psyche. He’s your problem now, Madge.

Scott Boras

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Boras has figured out the secrets of turning metal into gold. Sure the reputation of his biggest client is probably ruined for life, but Boras is still getting paid, and now has A-Rod-- who famously “ditched” his agent before resigning with the Yankees in 2007-- and his high-priced balls back in the palm of his hand. And the Avenging Agent is ready to start squeezing.

The New York Yankees

They’ve gotten the annual steroid admission down cold. Step 1: Offer up a vague admission. Step 2: Apologize and express an appropriate amount of remorse. Step 3: Report to camp. Step 4: Repeat as necessary. 

Derek Jeter

The more A-Rod acts like A-Rod, the better Jeter looks.

Joe Torre

Like Cynthia Rodriguez, Torre got out at just the right time. He didn’t have to deal with either the Andy Pettitte or the A-Rod steroid controversies, and he's currently kicking back waiting for The Yankees Years royalty checks to start rolling in. His “A-Fraud” comment is now even more prescient.

Scott Brosius

The former Yankees third baseman’s career .257 batting average and 141 home runs is looking pretty good right about now.

Jose Canseco

In 20 years, Canseco, like it not, is going to be thought of as the Upton Sinclair of professional baseball.

Barry Bonds

Not only is he about to get off scot-free from federal perjury charges, but the only man who was even in a position to break his controversial home run record is now also tainted by scandal. Misery loves company.  

Barack Obama

The Commander-in-Chief scores some easy points with baseball fans and Yankees haters (most of the country) by coming down hard on A-Rod and the Major League Baseball Players Association. Who would have ever thought the Washington Post would ask him an easier question than NBC’s Chuck Todd?

Michael Phelps

Who smoked what?

Ben Roethlisberger

With A-Rod running interference downfield, nobody seems to have noticed that Big Ben basically lied about playing the Super Bowl with fractured ribs. 

Team A-Rod:

A-Rod

He’s still screwed, and probably won’t bat his weight through the first two months of the season. If he thought the New York media and baseball fans were tough on him before, just wait until Spring Training—or his first trip to Fenway. He’s in for an impossibly rough 2009. 

Peter Gammons

His softball questions to A-Rod made Nancy O’Dell look like Seymour Hersh. 

The New York Yankees

They’re stuck with this tool through 2017. Yankees brass should have let A-Rod go when he opted out of his contract in 2007.

Kabballah

The faces of your religion are Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, David and Victoria Beckham, Roseanne Barr and now A-Rod. Kabbalists might want to rethink their next marketing strategy, or take a cue from the Catholic church’s recent “Indulge Yourself in Indulgences” campaign. 

Madonna

Madge’s little tryst with A-Rod is turning out to be a bigger production than the European leg of her current Sticky & Sweet tour.

Spray-on Tans

Before the most important interview of his life, A-Rod decided to go for the killer tomato look. He should stick with tanning shirtless in Central Park, just as God intended. 

The University of Miami

The same week A-Rod is busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs, The U decides to christen their new stadium Alex Rodriguez Park. Their timing couldn’t have been worse if they had decided to name their new dance studio the Chris Brown Theater.

Donald Fehr and Gene Orza

Are there two more loathsome people in all of professional sports today? Marvin Miller still can’t get into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but these two continue to run the Major League Baseball Players Association into the ground.

The 103 Other Players on “A-Rod's List” 

It’s only a matter of time until all of their names are released to the public. Start hocking all of the sports memorabilia you can get your swollen, disjointed hands on before it’s too late, gentlemen.

Cut A-Rod?

Bill Madden seems to think so. I don't know. That's a lot of money, even for the Yankees. And then what? Slide Robinson Cano to third and take your chances with Cody Ransom or Doug Bernier as your everyday second baseman? Or sign Orlando Hudson to play second? Neither scenario, I'm afraid, is very likely. Let's face it: the Yankees are most likely stuck with this creep through 2017, like it or not. 

For about an hour yesterday afternoon, I started wondering if this controversy could actually help Rodriguez in the long run. I know it's crazy, but Rodriquez, as we all know, has always tried just a little too hard--from his frosted tips, to his exposed socks--to be the best. Maybe, I allowed myself to think, as of Sunday morning, with his worst nightmares finally realized, his fraudulence and perfidy finally brought to light, that maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to show up at the ballpark 162 times a year and just play baseball, just as he did as a 16-year-old, without the burden of being A-Rod, the greatest player of his generation, if not in the history of the game. Maybe, with everything he ever worked for now spiraling helplessly down the toilet, he could concentrate instead on grinding it out, hitting to the opposite field, moving runners over. In short, letting his natural talents take over. No longer having to worry about being A-Rod, he wouldn't have to try to smack the ball 425 feet over the fence every time he stepped to the plate. With nothing left to lose, he would come into his own as a ballplayer and, finally, find some solace playing the game he's always loved. 

But then I remembered Alex has the emotional makeup of a 14-year-old anorexic girl. There's no way he's going to come out of this unscathed.    

The more I think about Madden's suggestion, the more I like it. Or the Yankees could choose to go a different route this Spring Training. 

UPDATE: Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs. He also apologized. He's also still a giant tool, and a member of the Yankees through Obama's second term. Pitchers and catchers can't report to Spring Training fast enough. 

The Needle and the Damage Done

According to a report in Sports Illustrated, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two different types of anabolic steroids-- Primobolan and testosterone-- in 2003, the year he won the American League Most Valuable Player award, and his final season with the Texas Rangers. 

This is bad. Real bad, and it goes a long way of explaining A-Rod's cryptic statement last year that he was "tested nine or 10 times" during the 2007 season, which would mean, as reporters speculated at the time, that he had failed a previous test. Rodriguez, under advisement, later claimed he was exaggerating, probably to protect his image and/or legacy, because in 2003 Major League Baseball didn't penalize players who tested positive. (It is unclear from the article if A-Rod has since tested positive a second time, but Roberts and Epstein point out that Rodriguez was allegedly tipped off about an upcoming test by Gene Orza, the chief operating officer of the players' union in 2004, when Rodriguez was playing third base for the Yankees).  

Rodriguez was one of about 1,200 players tested as part of a sealed MLB internal survey to figure out if (irony alert!) testing was even worth the effort, according to SI reporters Selena Roberts and David Epstein, who write:   

The results of that year's survey testing of 1,198 players were meant to be anonymous under the agreement between the commissioner's office and the players association. Rodriguez's testing information was found, however, after federal agents, armed with search warrants, seized the '03 test results from Comprehensive Drug Testing, Inc., of Long Beach, Calif., one of two labs used by MLB in connection with that year's survey testing. The seizure took place in April 2004 as part of the government's investigation into 10 major league players linked to the BALCO scandal -- though Rodriguez himself has never been connected to BALCO.

Rodriguez is signed with the Yankees through 2017, during which time he is widely expected to pass Barry Bonds, also linked to steroids and various performance-enhancing drugs, for the all-time home run total, which means this story ain't going anywhere anytime soon. For years, fans, reporters and players have speculated about A-Rod juicing, but this morning's article is, as far as I know, the first corroborated report of the so-called greatest baseball player of his generation cheating. I think it's pretty safe to assume, then, that chants of "A-Fraud" will echo throughout major league ballparks this season, including the new one in the Bronx.