Your Moment of Zen

(Via Fack Youk)

A-Rod Shocks World With Uncharacteristic Sound Decision

According to various sources, Alex Rodriguez has decided to have partial surgery on his torn right hip labrum Monday, which would allow him to rejoin the team by mid-May. After discussing his various options with Brian Cashman, his agent, Scott Boras, and noted hip specialist Dr. Marc Philippon, Rodriguez opted to undergo a limited procedure, a so-called "hybrid" approach to repairing the injury rather than simply playing through the pain or fixing in full the bone irregularity in his hip. Rodriguez will reportedly wait until the end of the season to go back under the knife for a more extensive procedure. 

"The goal here is to allow Alex to rehab rapidly in a safe manner," said Philippon, who co-runs the Steadman-Hawkins clinic for sports medicine and orthopedic surgery in Vail, Colorado. "The approach we're using is much safer than letting Alex play the way he is now."

Philippon said he was about 85-90 percent certain this first operation would be successful, and almost 100 percent certain A-Rod will need further surgery after the season. 

All things considered, I do think A-Rod made the best decision available to him and the Yankees. Although he will be out for at least the first month of the season, the partial operation should help alleviate at least some of A-Rod's most immediate pain, protect his long-term health and enable him to play in the majority of games this year. Seems like a win-win for him and the Yankees, who have to be sweating A-Rod's increasingly problematic contract which handcuffs him to the team through 2017. 

Also, as Bernie Williams already noted, A-Rod gets to take a much-needed break from baseball and the intense scrutiny of New York in bucolic Vail. Don't think for a second that A-Rod's two-month exile isn't entirely welcome or won't do him a world of good.

Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

For A-Rod, who's endured his share of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days the last couple of weeks.  



I'm sure A-Rod can relate, while you can watch parts two and three here and here. You know you want to. (Spoiler Alert: It eventually gets better.)

A-Rod Out for 10 Weeks with "Stellar Anterooms"

At least according to a totally whacked-out translated report from ESPN Deportes:

Alex Rodriguez will miss not only play with the Dominican Republic in World Baseball Classic, but lost the first month of the season with the New York Yankees after a medical examination revealed that it should be operated on immediately from a cyst in the hip, said a brother of the player to ESPNdeportes.com

That doesn't even make sense. For all I know, Rodriguez is taking time off from baseball to operate on his brother. The best lines of the report, though, have to be these three successive gems:

The Yankees still have not reported anything about his stellar anterooms.

Rodriguez, 33 years, played with discomfort in his hip last season, but the Yankees never thought they were really serious the matter until an MRI exam revealed a cyst on Saturday.

The Yankees sent andalusia andalusia specialist player Marc Phillipon, the Steadman-Hawkins clinic in Vail, Colorado. Reviews by Phillipon found that A-Rod should be operated on immediately.

I hope A-Rod's andalusia andalusia specialist knows what he's doing: those stellar anterooms are nothing to laugh about. If left untreated, they could turn into brilliant antechambers, which, as we all know, is just one architectural development away from, heaven forbid, an untreatable case of outstanding vestibules. 

(UPDATE: John Heyman confirms the report, although he writes A-Rod is likely to miss only six to eight weeks. No mention of flying buttresses, though.)

Read Between the Lines

While the New York sports media continues to overplay its hand, Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman offered four telling quotes about his $275 million tool of a third baseman, which pretty much sum up the entire A-Rod situation. And, once you break down what Cashman actually said and figure out what he really means, you get a pretty reliable primer on how the Yankees plan on dealing with Rodriguez throughout the duration of his impossibly long contract. 

You can also tell that the normally calm and collected Cashman, if given the chance, would beat A-Rod like a rented mule.    

“Those are the facts [Alex] gave you, it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I like the fact more that he was stupid rather than young or naïve. It was a bad decision that may cost him on so many levels.”

Cashman doesn't buy Alex's bullshit story either, but that's besides the point. A-Rod's reputation is in tatters, because he got cocky and stupidly pissed away his Hall of Fame career; he has to live with the repercussions of his decision for the rest of his life. Who cares about the details?

“We’ve invested in him as an asset. And because of that, this is an asset that is going through a crisis. So we’ll do everything we can to protect that asset and support that asset and try to salvage that asset.”

Cashman and the entire Yankees organization are stuck with A-Rod through the 2017 season, and by god, they are going to wring every penny out of their $275 million investment, even if Cashman himself has to make A-Rod sing "Cotton-Eyed Joe" before the 8th inning at the new stadium. 

"I don't think Alex is very good at communicating. Whether it's about talking about your game and the impact you had on it after hitting a home run or if he had a tough game at the park, let the team down....Anybody that's been in that clubhouse when he's trying to talk about success or failure on the baseball diamond knows that is something he is not very good at."

Cashman thinks Travis the Killer Chimp is better at expressing his feelings than the emotionally crippled A-Rod. 

"I think there's genuine, sincere support for him [in the clubhouse], and I'm sure at the same time, from a professional side, it's, 'I need this guy.' I'm sure there were all aspects of that."

If Eric Duncan could hit 40 home runs a season, the organization--from Hank and Hal at the top, to Humberto Sanchez and Wilkin De La Rose at the bottom of the 40-man roster-- wouldn't even piss on A-Rod if he were on fire, but he's still the team's best player and they probably need him to win a World Series.  So, yeah, Cashman and company totally have A-Rod's back. 

Winners and A-Rod

Now that Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking performance-enhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003, we can get down to what really matters. Who are the winners and who are the losers of this debacle? Fortunately, dear reader, I've been keeping score, and I've gone ahead and split the winning and losing teams into two camps. The winners, captained by Selena Roberts, are called, of course, Team Roberts; while the losers, anchored, as always, by Alex Emmanuel Rodriguez III, are known simply as Team A-Rod.

Team Roberts:

Selena Roberts

Not only was she right, she's also poised to sell a ton of books. What other dirt has she dug up on A-Rod, whose ridiculous stalker claim makes Roberts simultaneously even more sympathetic and twice as likely to have all the goods on baseball’s former golden boy? I'm guessing she's uncovered one or two more interesting things in the course of her thorough investigation. In fact, she might as well turn A-Rod’s remarks against her into an advance blurb for the galley. “[Selena Roberts] has been thrown out of my apartment in New York City… thrown out of the University of Miami by police for trespassing. And she tried to break into my house, and got cited by the Miami Beach police. Roberts stalked me, and is coming out with all these [stories] about me, and really respectable journalists are following her lead.” —Alex Rodriguez, three-time American League Most Valuable Player and admitted steroid abuser.

Cynthia Rodriguez

This lucky lady got out just in the nick of time. A-Rod’s personal nightmare won’t get in the way of her cashing all those alimony checks, and she doesn’t even have to piece together the remnants of his shattered psyche. He’s your problem now, Madge.

Scott Boras

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Boras has figured out the secrets of turning metal into gold. Sure the reputation of his biggest client is probably ruined for life, but Boras is still getting paid, and now has A-Rod-- who famously “ditched” his agent before resigning with the Yankees in 2007-- and his high-priced balls back in the palm of his hand. And the Avenging Agent is ready to start squeezing.

The New York Yankees

They’ve gotten the annual steroid admission down cold. Step 1: Offer up a vague admission. Step 2: Apologize and express an appropriate amount of remorse. Step 3: Report to camp. Step 4: Repeat as necessary. 

Derek Jeter

The more A-Rod acts like A-Rod, the better Jeter looks.

Joe Torre

Like Cynthia Rodriguez, Torre got out at just the right time. He didn’t have to deal with either the Andy Pettitte or the A-Rod steroid controversies, and he's currently kicking back waiting for The Yankees Years royalty checks to start rolling in. His “A-Fraud” comment is now even more prescient.

Scott Brosius

The former Yankees third baseman’s career .257 batting average and 141 home runs is looking pretty good right about now.

Jose Canseco

In 20 years, Canseco, like it not, is going to be thought of as the Upton Sinclair of professional baseball.

Barry Bonds

Not only is he about to get off scot-free from federal perjury charges, but the only man who was even in a position to break his controversial home run record is now also tainted by scandal. Misery loves company.  

Barack Obama

The Commander-in-Chief scores some easy points with baseball fans and Yankees haters (most of the country) by coming down hard on A-Rod and the Major League Baseball Players Association. Who would have ever thought the Washington Post would ask him an easier question than NBC’s Chuck Todd?

Michael Phelps

Who smoked what?

Ben Roethlisberger

With A-Rod running interference downfield, nobody seems to have noticed that Big Ben basically lied about playing the Super Bowl with fractured ribs. 

Team A-Rod:

A-Rod

He’s still screwed, and probably won’t bat his weight through the first two months of the season. If he thought the New York media and baseball fans were tough on him before, just wait until Spring Training—or his first trip to Fenway. He’s in for an impossibly rough 2009. 

Peter Gammons

His softball questions to A-Rod made Nancy O’Dell look like Seymour Hersh. 

The New York Yankees

They’re stuck with this tool through 2017. Yankees brass should have let A-Rod go when he opted out of his contract in 2007.

Kabballah

The faces of your religion are Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, David and Victoria Beckham, Roseanne Barr and now A-Rod. Kabbalists might want to rethink their next marketing strategy, or take a cue from the Catholic church’s recent “Indulge Yourself in Indulgences” campaign. 

Madonna

Madge’s little tryst with A-Rod is turning out to be a bigger production than the European leg of her current Sticky & Sweet tour.

Spray-on Tans

Before the most important interview of his life, A-Rod decided to go for the killer tomato look. He should stick with tanning shirtless in Central Park, just as God intended. 

The University of Miami

The same week A-Rod is busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs, The U decides to christen their new stadium Alex Rodriguez Park. Their timing couldn’t have been worse if they had decided to name their new dance studio the Chris Brown Theater.

Donald Fehr and Gene Orza

Are there two more loathsome people in all of professional sports today? Marvin Miller still can’t get into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but these two continue to run the Major League Baseball Players Association into the ground.

The 103 Other Players on “A-Rod's List” 

It’s only a matter of time until all of their names are released to the public. Start hocking all of the sports memorabilia you can get your swollen, disjointed hands on before it’s too late, gentlemen.