My Birthday Party Was Way Better Than Joakim Noah's, Just Like My J

It's not often I outperform professional athletes, in any arena. Fine. I've never one-upped a professional athlete, until last night, when Bulls forward Joakim Noah celebrated his 24th birthday with a small group of friends and family. In section 114 of the Izod Center. In East Rutherford, New Jersey. 

Joakim Noah's posse settled for watching him sit on the bench during the crucial stretch of a loss to a mediocre team. After hearing from Coach Del Negro, and getting changed, Noah and family gathered for a quiet ten minutes of present opening in section 114 of the nearly deserted Izod Center.

As the stadium crews mopped up the spilled popcorn and sticky soda spills, Noah, his parents, some friends and other relatives, including a flock of siblings right down to toddler age, handed around gift bags.

I don't mean to brag, but my party, which I hosted earlier this month, was a lot more fun, for the following reasons: 1.) I celebrated here; 2.) it was better attended; 3.) and absent of arena janitors sweeping up spilled popcorn.  

But surely Noah, the offspring of a former tennis champion and a former Miss Sweeden, received better gifts. Not so fast. 

Noah got this:

 

I got this:
Hells yeah.

Seriously, it's not even close. If this were my old CYO league, the refs would have called this game 150 words ago. In fairness to Noah, though, as Henry Abbot points out in his piece, sometimes it sucks being a professional athlete, mainly because of an impossibly demanding schedule and a total lack of personal time. Bloggers, on the other hand, always have time for a drink, like a rock star or a member of the local VFW.  In your face, Joakim.