"You're My Favorite Water-Ski Accident"

Dwyane Wade is funnier than Jimmy Kimmel. Shocking, I know. But see for yourself. 

The Onion Brings David Ortiz Back From the Dead

Classic. 

"We have amended the rules of the game to allow David [Ortiz] to use any performance enhancer he can find, as baseball is pretty boring when he's not hitting home runs," said Selig, who added that Ortiz could be suspended for 50 games under the new policy if drug tests show he is not taking any previously banned substances. "What David is doing right now is wrong, and this season could damage his reputation forever. The game of baseball needs him to do the responsible thing and superhumanly whack balls over the fence whenever possible."